Oldie but a goodie of a laugh

[bersaguy]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived,with no long term adverse affect on your assailant,allowing her adequate time to retreat to saftey...??

WAY TOO COOL!!! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home...I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a secone) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself againist a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

A one second burst would shock and disorient your assailant

A two second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

A three second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, "no possible way"!!

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, "Don't do it stupid", reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad...I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE ....!!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note-
If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Tazer one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by violent thrashing about on the floor!!

A three second burst would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
*The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
*My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
*My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
*I had no control over the drooling.
*Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
*I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
 

[K191145]

Those tasers can knock your **** in the dirt for sure, they are better than nothing but you have to get too close to use them for protection. A long time ago when they were called stun guns my friend bought one for his wife at the gun show. We watched the guy demonstrate arcing the charge from a rubber handle knife back to the taser. When we got home I took a pair of thin rubber handle pliars and arced the charge to it, needless to say the charge went up my arm, it twernt no fun that's for sure but it gave my friend a good laugh. I think that one was just a weenie little 50K volt taser, I would hate to feel double the charge.

[bersaguy]

Well I thought about it after reading about all those things in that thread about stupid stuff folks have done and all the different ones that had electricity involved so I thought I would post this. I had a friend tazed by the police once while he was drunk and he said it has a very sobering effect really quick.

[jb980]

That is the funniest thing I've read in quite some time

[billyscott]

True story...

A few years ago I bought a stun gun. 50,000 volts.

Not one that shoots darts but one you have to touch somebody with. 

I intended to use it as non leathal protection in the truck.

After thinking about it I decided I did not want to come in contact with someone who

might have a knife or a gun and getting it out might just take time away from getting my gun out. 

So I put it away out of reach in a closet. 

Couple months ago my neighbor came over with some old gun I didn't want and wanted to trade for something. I told him I didn't have anything to trade and then I thought about the stun gun. 

I told him about it and he said "OK let me see it". I got it out and turned it on and no arc. 

I said the battery is probably dead and I turned to my cabinet where I keep batteries and 

he said "Wait". Before I could say stop he put the stun gun to his arm and pulled the switch. 

Then he let out a yelp and went into a violent seizure which caused him to drop the gun. 

At least he was in a chair or he would have fallen in the floor. It was 30 seconds before he could talk and when he could he said "Man that hurt". 

I took the battery out and hid the gun where I can't find it. 

I guess the battery was too weak to create an arc between the prongs but still enough to charge up 10 or 20 thousand volts. 

He doesn't want a stun gun anymore. 

[Wiljo05]

My wife looked at me like I was stupid, I laughed so much I had tears in my eyes!

[Monkeyman2500]

Oh man, me and the wife just laughed are butts off.

[Guest drv2fst]

My dad tells a story from a long time ago.  Mom worked at a store in a bad neighborhood so Dad got here some MACE for protection.  My uncle (Dad's little brother) came over to visit and asked about the spray can sitting on the counter.  Dad thought it would be funny to tell him it was cologne to see if he would spray some on his wrist and smell it.  Uncle Anthony instead sprayed himself right in the face.

[Sidinman]

Man thats funny right there I don't care who you are.

[Guest TOWgunner in TN]

Holy crap BATMAN....now that was funny!!!

[hipower]

:rofl:  :rofl: :rofl:  

[Guest TankerHC]

Wait, in the stupid things Ive done thread didnt one of our very own actually do the exact same thing?

[gun sane]

Thanks, bersaguy.  I've been meaning to try it out, but I'll take it from someone who knows.  :popcorn:

[runco]

I needed that this morning!  Very funny indeed.

[KahrMan]

I can still remember the Sunday morning back in the early nineties when I heard GODDAMNIT JAMES!!!  I was working for Tractor Supply Company, TSC, at the time.  I had just opened the store on Dickerson Pike.  A young couple was walking back to to look at some horse tack.  While they were walking past the cattle prods, James took one off the display and poked his girlfriend in the butt.

 

I can still remember that sream and the look on her face.  He was dying laughing and she was pissed.  I bet he didn't get any for awhile.

Edited November 6, 2013 by KahrMan